You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
This baby is an asshole
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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