I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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