It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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