What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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