did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
