I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
