I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
