oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
