I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
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