Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
