Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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