nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
