I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
