I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
