even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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