What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
