nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
