I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
