Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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