I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
