YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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