Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
a search helicopter?!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
