Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
