Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
