I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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