I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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