The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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