You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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