Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
