I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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