I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
soo... how was my night?
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