I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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