listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
