Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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