4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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