Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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