Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I AM VODKA MAN
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
