Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Come see our sink grown plant.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
