I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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