He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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