between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
