Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
