I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
