were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
