So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
