My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
