I looked at my own cervix.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
