i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
