my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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