upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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