you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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