pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
