Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Randomize
