At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
