pop tarts are not kleenex
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize