I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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