Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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