the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
