did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
