and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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