You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i love accidental penises.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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