Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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