I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
